Thank you,hormone

My husband's 4 days on 4 days off work schedule is awesome, and not so awesome,
it awesome becos he gets more money,
it's not so becos some days, like the holidays I don't get to see him much,
all the while i have to watch tv to keep myself entertained, while my friends post all these awesome holiday pictures, where they have been, activities, drinking.

in my early 20s i never crave these things, never even so much crave companies.

maybe pregnancy hormone brings on extra mood, and especially in these holidays.

i just watched the yellow stone/animal program, it says it is unusually for a mama bear to have this many cubs, 4. Then it went on showing 2 of them are significantly bigger than the other 2, but this female, the narrator says,  found 2 orphaned cubs and adopted them.

And that's it, i started crying, for a near half hour.

sigh... how ridiculous.

Progressive life, or not

it's xmas, and i feel the least excited by it, objectively.

my life doesn't seem to me the least remote interesting right now,
i cried twice today, once watching an animal program, the plot wasn't remotely moving, nothing dies that sort;
the 2nd time i can't remember, is not longer after i managed to make a stop on the first one, it could be a commercial about boxing day sale...

anyway, my life bores me, i'm saddened by it, for lack of company and friendship and purpose and meaning.

although it's not completely true, i have a life growing inside me, my husband is trying all his might to accommodate me, I do sometimes wish I am not so complaining as much.

I just miss my life before, the life i had, it seems so far away, i miss drinking white wines and exercise, i miss hearing interesting conversations and debates and stories of lives, now i read fictional ones, just to fill my imagination.

I am so lonely.

yet i hold strong. for better days, for hopes that things will get better.