I Remember

Trying to love myself - 2023

Trying to

learn

love

myself,

find things

unique about me,

no one knows, other than me,

my secrets,

take me away with you, whisper away.

25 Sep 23

************************************************************************

15 Oct 23

If I ever get to tell you,

I love how soft you are, your soft, asian skin, so precious,

I love how small u r, so cute, even when I get your completely opened up, from the inside, that fold of yours, folds, when i lick or got into to the smallest smallest bit in there, the very centre of you, so smal, so delicate, and your opening up like a flower, and a creature giving birth at the same time, where you see so many openings, folding up or in whichever way,

and when i look up from the centre of you, you are completed stretched out, clinching so tightly as i move, even that, you are so small, i could hold you down completely bind you away straight, and completely control you, u can't move, mine completely, yet u look so small, so helpless....

***********************************************************

so busy 13th May 2013

so busy practising you steps, so busy, to your destination

i held you close every morning, and every time you suckle, cos you're growing too fast ,tooo fast.

soul searching... or lack of mental stimulation

every once in a while, I became upset about nothing,
I am generally tired, which is a understatement,

hubby needs his naps and gets his naps regardless,

I don't think I'm used to this SAHM thing, just quite yet.

my 2 beautiful children, I adore them, they are my soul, a large potion of it,
just that
I'm still deeply unsatisfied.

for some strange yet reasons, I love old people movies, eg, 'Another Year', 'Lies and Secrets', 'Its complicated', and 'Hope Spring'. The latter strike me somewhat a while ago, how similar some aspect it compared to my marriage.

I'm really not complaining, my husband cares for me enough, he helps out enough, he loves our children, he's decent enough.... but he's just enough, really.

I honestly donno what more I want out of him, yet somehow I just want more.

Its starting to remind me of Eat Pray Love.

I am lonely, I know it, it doesn't surprised me, but it's hardly entirely his fault therefore neither his responsibility to maintain my happiness.

I'm just unhappy that whenever I try to explain to his, he gave me such response, like fearing to be blamed, or fear to having to do something, he usually says, do you need to go to the hospital... no he's not trying to be funny.

It's entirely my own problem, I just wish, like in dealing with my loneliness, wish there's someone I can share this feeling with, yes who with?

And I truly don't have the time to go for a walk, or to get drunk, or even go for a holiday.

God help me.

After a few days I will be fine, i know it, I just wish all this upsetting was progressing towards something, like my humanity would increase...? It's a shame and a waste it generate nothing ...

Remember, calculations may be limited, but imagination doesn't

Poem today

From watching tv, a few lines, caught me. I found it, to be.

"Bury me under the sea, by Matthew Main

A forgotten land and fourteen hours away
Still, I can’t recall the exact day
Here the grass never ever grows
Leaving a smelted land, and a forsaken truth

Under the cover of well bent words
They break in, and steal the lie
There’s no longer anymore room
All that remains is the burnt up lock

Bury me under the sea
I’m burning
Carry me over my dreams
I’m screaming
Bury me under the sea
Erase all that I see

The town watches as the women are blinded
So far gone, I’ve forgotten all that I’ve been told
Memory wiped
Screams of anger are rising
As their sanity becomes undone

The lights are broken
She threw the stones
Prayers passed, the outcome has already been told
Signs are falling from the sky
Yet the people just close their eyes

Bury me under the sea
I’m burning
Carry me over my dreams
I’m screaming
Bury me under the sea
Fade away now, with my ease

Find me
Sailing across a faded sky
Leaking yellow and forced to cry
Join me
No longer a man of truth
Just another broken soul

A forgotten land and fourteen hours away
Still, I can’t recall the exact day
Here the grass never ever grows
Leaving a burning land, and a forsaken truth

Under the cover of well bent words
They break in, and steal the lie
There’s no longer anymore room
For nothing but well kept lies

Bury me under the sea
I’m burning
Carry me over my dreams
I’m screaming
Bury me under the sea
And let my mind fall into ease "