heartache

one of the longest half hour in my life....
watching you cry, not understanding why i have to wean you off breast,
life is a consta struggle for us, for all the money i inherented, all that i got left from my own mother, is.barely enough for a deposit, but daddys income alone can't get a close enough loan, so i decided to go back to work, so i have to put you in a day care and God help me i don't even know if its possible in such a rash with every childcare half year waiting list and so expensive, what's the effing point i ask,
it's for her future i answer myself, and therefore i have to let you cry, for the loss of breast, they feed you from the start, fatten you to off the chart on growth and length, and now i cry, for the loss of them too, how i just want you to be happy, not sad. ...

...and you realize

how your life is now made meaningful through the creation itself;

this, face, whose soul is still blank like the peaceful lake surface, reflecting whatever project on them, is the chance, a real hope that our future holds. theres no purpose whatsoever, if life is not continued, passed on, meaningfully....

this love, between us, it may change shape, may develop, may become different or circumstancial, but this moment, this bond, this need, is true, existence is proved.

love you.

goodbye

still paralyzed by
the pain
of your parting
using all my knowledge
to turn emotions into facts
still defeated, at the end of a.day.

some says this separation, is temporary
i donno
it's hard to believe in anything

i hope wherever you are now,
it's kinder, and free of pain
i love u
i wish we had more
i wish it wasn't so conflicting all the time

i love u, mother. i remember you, in your photos, in your words, in my dreams, and in my daughters dimples.

i love you
goodbye

As i remember

My mother, passed away, on the 30 Sep 2012

i miss her,
we haven't exactly had the beSt relationship, but i loved her,
i.had only.became a bit closer to understand her love to me since i had Iris
she.met Iris and tocuhed her a few times,
then she passed away, exactly one.month later.

the last three months, ive dealt with her hospital care, her financial issues, her furneral, sold the family house, disputed her asset with my step father, negotiated a solution while consulting lawyers and relatives, paid debts, chased debts, argued and used empty threats, shouted screamed cried into the night, countless sleepless night eyes wide open praying, while having iris by my side... taking care of her, having her as my only hope, fair to say that, without her i wouldn't have carried things through.

i had a fall out with my favorite aunt, who i lived with, who also wanted to get money as well as requested my mother clothes.

January 2013

Another year....