I Remember: April 2013

one of the longest half hour in my life....
watching you cry, not understanding why i have to wean you off breast,
life is a consta struggle for us, for all the money i inherented, all that i got left from my own mother, is.barely enough for a deposit, but daddys income alone can't get a close enough loan, so i decided to go back to work, so i have to put you in a day care and God help me i don't even know if its possible in such a rash with every childcare half year waiting list and so expensive, what's the effing point i ask,
it's for her future i answer myself, and therefore i have to let you cry, for the loss of breast, they feed you from the start, fatten you to off the chart on growth and length, and now i cry, for the loss of them too, how i just want you to be happy, not sad. ...

Sahara

Chinese born and raised, my adult life began in 2002 in the southern most place of earth, a small South Island town of New Zealand Invercargill; studied and worked, 9 years flash by pretty fast. Early 2011 I joined my husband, whom I met 7 years ago during a working summer holidays, in a beautiful orchard picking cherries. We married in Las Vegas, now we started a new chapter in Sydney. More of a kiwi at heart, I love and miss NZ dearly, and struggle my time here as all my dear friends have been a huge part of me. My little family also consist of our 15 years old cat Sushi, adopted her by chance while we were in Wellington, she had been through a lot traumas already then, abandoned by her original owners, her second owner Heike who became one of my best friend had tried her best to provide her a good living, but a few times she had accidentally got lost and almost died from starvation, she was rescued but it made my friend realize Sushi will be better off with a family who's not moving a lot. So here our story continues...

Memories

There are many things I wish I don't remember.

A good friend of mine once told me, you have good memory. A decade ago, another best friend of mine also said in Chinese, it's painful to remember so much in detail, especially for people like you and me, who in their nature carry a bit of sadness from our birth.
I remember too much little details.

As scientists tells us, brains cell dies every few seconds, so probably the first theory is right, i repeat my memories too often, or, put it that way: I chose to relive my moments over and over, won't let go.

This blog is to show you some part of me. Not to make you understand me, or make myself understood.

Just plainly, life as it is.
or maybe, i just want to confuse you.

I Remember

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heartache

...and you realize